In the Moment

So, here's what I was thinking about today for a bit - how do you know how you'll react in a given situation when forced to act without thought. It's kinda like the fight or flight, only it doesn't have to have stress at the root. I started down this thought-train and ended up in all kinds of cool places so I wanted to share what's in my mind.

My example: yesterday I was playing a competitive league touch football game. In the middle of the game at some point, I'm blocking this d-lineman as he's rushing and he jumps in the air to try to block our quarterback's pass. He's up in the air for what - about 2-3 seconds? During that time, I don't have a lot of time to put a string of thoughts together. What I'm faced with, interestingly enough, is a decision. When he's up there do I get my arms into his chest and push him back, where he will clearly flip backwards in the air and land directly on his back and head, or do I back off, keep my hands on him and guide him down and then continue to block him?

I didn't prepare myself for this situation - it's not like I sat around and thought up the scenario and decided what I would do so it was input to my brain at that one moment. I "reacted" to the moment. Subconsciously. He went up, my arms went on him and he went down - on his feet. Something in me made the internal decision not to lay him out. I could have - it would not have been a cheap play - totally within the league rules - guys do it all the time on the field - it's been done to me. But for some reason, I didn't do it.

No killer instinct some might say. I'm not generally an aggressive person - those that know me, if asked what they thought I might do, would most likely describe it as it happened. But, given the choice, I admit, I'm pretty sure I would not choose to willingly do that to someone because the chance of hurting someone isn't worth winning the game to me. But in the moment - in that moment, I didn't know what I would do. And now I do. So does my subconscious always follow my conscious? Was it predetermined somehow that I was going to act that way because if given the choice I would most likely have chosen not to?

So I started thinking about other situations like it. I've only been in a fight once in my life. When I was in middle school - I was walking out of school at the end of the day with my best friend. Two guys that had been picking on him here and there the past week popped out of the bushes and attacked him. A punch was thrown at him from one of the guys. As the second guy took one step, I reacted with a punch in his face. No time to think. It just happened. I was aggressive in the only time I've ever been put to the test. but then again I was in like 7th grade or something.

So I started thinking - what if on that same football field yesterday, one of my teammates was cheap shotted by a guy on their team - say a blind-sided blow to the head as he was walking away from the play. What would I do? Do I know? Can I predict this? Even if I think about it and make up my mind about what I'd LIKE to do - would I actually do it? I think I'd go after the guy - I think I'd get on him and defend my friend. But why? Is it because I'd want my friend to know I have his back? Is it because I'd somehow want to know inside that my friends have my back? Is it because of loyalty or friendship? Would I do it for a stranger?

So then I started thinking - ok, so for those of you that are pretty sure you might not confront violence with retaliated violence in that situation - how about this one. What if you're out with your wife somewhere in a bar or something. Some dude, drunk or otherwise, spills a beer all over your wife - your wife turns and calls him a jerk - and he reaches out and shoves her to the ground. There you are - there he is - there's your wife on the floor. What happens? Would you go after the guy? Would you just yell at him but not react in violence? Would you tend to your wife and avoid the confrontation altogether? Now let's make it complicated - what would your WIFE want you to do? How well do you know your wife? Do you think she'd find safety and security knowing you would stand up to anyone that threatened her - or would she be proud of your non-violence?

So here's where I think I am on this. I used to believe that I had some sort of internal morality code - guidelines I live my life by - that would somehow extend into my subconscious. That I could somehow shape how I might react on the fly by my actions when given the chance to think. But now I've changed my mind. I think it's a completely separate and independent thing that happens when you aren't making a conscious choice. I don't think you can control it.

I think I know how I'd react to those above situations - you might know me and think you know how I'd react as well - but what's crazy is that I've surprised myself throughout my life in situations where I've been "In the Moment". Does every time I react to a situation have an affect on future circumstances? I think I'd like to somehow take control of it - to shape my subconscious for the future, but I honestly don't believe I can do it - or predict what would happen, despite what I've done before.

I'm so fascinated about what I'd do given these crazy scenarios that I think about them all the time - and when one happens, I can't help but wonder why it went down the way it did. Was my reaction based on something from my past or can my brain process the signals and make a decision that fast?

All I know is, I'm still learning about myself. I have a feeling I'll react to those instant moments in many ways that I'll look back on and feel proud - but there may be just as many that I may regret...time will tell.