The Supernatural

Do you believe in ghosts? This one is great because there's this huge group of people that are sternly convinced that there's no such thing - they are complete non-believers. And then on the other side of the fence are people that have had "encounters". First-hand experiences will change you, let me tell you. I admit, I've really changed what I believe over the course of my life and I wanted to share with you my own personal transformation, and explain how what happened to me has also changed my view about things even beyond the supernatural.

Alright, so I didn't believe in ghosts or pretty much anything supernatural. Seriously, come on, that stuff is just in movies. Visions appear, things fly around the room - I'm too rational of a person to fall for it. Everything had an explanation in my mind, right? Footsteps on the stairs when no one else is home - must just be the house settling - something falls and breaks up stairs - must be the wind. Never saw anything weird, never had a reason to doubt myself. Until...

I remember I was still a teenager, must have been around 16. My grandmother - my father's mom had passed away less than a year ago. She lived with us since I was born - she was really close - like my mom - since she was always there in the house and went with us everywhere. Anyway, she had this green chair that sat in her bedroom that I moved to my bedroom afterward. Not really sure why I did, but that's kind of irrelevant. So anyway, one night I couldn't sleep really well - tossed and turned - not sure why just felt unsettled. I think I had her on my mind. I remember waking up - the sun was just up so it was obviously just morning. I opened my eyes and saw my grandmother sitting in her chair looking at me. Clear as day. I was obviously taken aback. I thought I was dreaming - rubbed my eyes - pinched myself but she was still there. Clear as day. Now, again, skeptics right now will say I'm full of sh*t - but when something like this happens to you, and you yourself ARE a skeptic, you want to prove it wrong. Like I said, I tried. But I know I was awake, and there she was. Sitting still, didn't say a word - just looked me right in the eyes and smiled at me. I talked to her..."Nana?" No response - just the sweet smile. I was sitting up in my bed at this point. I didn't know what else to do so I got up from the bed. The moment I moved to get out of the covers she instantly was gone. There's instant - and then there was this. I mean really instant. Faster than I could even blink. I again was taken aback. I sat back in my bed and thought I was certifiably insane. In one moment I literally questioned my entire life and existence and the afterlife and everything. It was surreal.

So time passed and I never told anyone about it. I was still trying to figure it out. That's what I do - I analyze stuff (as you've learned about me if you know me). So I was absolutely determined to put this puzzle together. I whittled it down to two options: 1) She came back from the afterlife - it was actually her, now, in the present, her spirit anyways, and she came to visit me for some reason or 2) I was hallucinating based on a memory I had of her from my past - my brain re-created the image of her now based on a moment from my life. I went with #2 (we'll get into my religious beliefs in another post). So I had figured it out, at least in my own mind, rationalized it so. She wasn't there in the room with me at the present - my brain somehow created a realllllly vivid image of her based on a moment from when she was with me - I recalled a moment when I was a little kid - kindergarten I believe - when I had pneumonia and had to stay in bed for a long time - I remember her sitting in a chair watching over me from time to time. That was it. No Nana back from the grave - just an amazing scene I had painted. I felt really lucky to get to see her in such reality once again and happy I had figured it all out. Still no ghosts.

Ok, incident #2 for me. This one really shook me up and to this day has shaped my beliefs about a lot of things. I was in Ireland with my wife around 2001. One night we planned to go on this Ghost Tour - we get in a bus really late at night with a bunch of other tourists and we go around to all the creepy and haunted places in Ireland. Sounded like fun - especially because I didn't believe in ghosts. So off we went - we walked thru graveyards in the pitch dark and our guide told us stories about how people were murdered - graves dug up - all sorts of fun, spooky stuff. We drove by haunted houses, hotels, etc. Then we stopped at this abbey. Before we got out the guide said something like "this is one of the most haunted places in all of Ireland. There are some people that can sense the supernatural - maybe some of you have seen ghosts or felt something before. Walk around, check things out and see if you can sense anything. If you feel something or want to talk about what you see or feel, come talk to me. I won't reveal anything until we leave." So me, super-skeptic, bounced out of the bus and my wife and I walked all around the abbey - up the large stone staircase outside. Everyone was mulling around. I so badly wanted to see something - a movement, a ghost, hear a noise, feel something. I thought maybe I could will myself into believing. Nothing. Then we walked to the bottom of the staircase. Now it gets weird. I will explain it - and you'll just have to hear me out and choose to take my word for it - but I'm telling you I'm not lying. I just stared at this door and the stone around it - and a felt something. It was like someone was telling me a story of what happened - I couldn't see any ghosts and couldn't see anything acting out - it was like someone was reading a play to my subconscious about what happened. I stood still for several minutes just letting it play out. I wasn't sure why I could feel something or how. Then it was over.

I told my wife that I felt something. I didn't know how or why and it was really weird and creepy and not like anything else I ever felt. She said I should go talk to the guide. So I did - I went over to him and explained what I had "felt". Something about a little girl banging on the door, calling for her mother - she was in pain - something about lepers - to be honest, I can't even remember the whole thing to this day. But then it was clear - and I described it to the guide. He looked me in the face and smiled. He told me that what I described is exactly what had happened there a long time ago - the whole thing - from the little girl who lost her mom and everything. I felt like someone shot me. It was so overwhelming and such a rush. It was like nothing I ever felt before - to have this script play out somehow and then realize it was true! He said the place was haunted and has been ever since and that many people can see the visions I saw. Only I didn't actually "see" anything this time - just "felt" it somehow.

So I know this was real - I couldn't have just luckily guessed what had happened. No way. Then I got to thinking again - were their spirits really trapped there? Did they die but get stuck there for some reason in limbo for deeds they had done. Again, scratched that off my list. And after much thought, I came to one giant conclusion - and this is still what I believe to this day: that when events happen, under certain circumstances, depending on the severity or magnitude of the event, something about that event actually "sticks" to a given place. It's there forever, in some sort of additional dimension or something - one that is not affected by time. So one place may have thousands or millions of events stuck there that have happened in that place - they have an essence - they play over and over again in that place but most people can't see or feel them. Some people - psychics - children - me in this case, even if just for a moment - have the ability to tap into them sometimes. Something in their brain can get into this other set of memories. Maybe some people can actually visualize the events - at least our brain makes it seem like it is actually there - like when people claim to see ghosts in their house - like me with my grandmother. I believe she actually sat next to my bed when I was a kid and that moment as a teenager, I somehow tapped into it and could "replay" that moment. When I was at the abbey, for whatever reason, I could "replay" that moment from a long time ago - I could see the events, the characters etc. It made sense to me, as strange as it did seem. It explained both of my incidents - and it made sense how some people - these special people - could go into a house they've never been in and say it's haunted. Maybe the memories from that house are always playing there in those other dimension. And these people can tap into it from time to time. It explains many ghost sitings - people who claim to see the ghost of a person that died in their house or something - the person didn't come back. It's just a memory that was somehow captured there and someone can see it somehow.

I know it sounds wacky. Again, until something happens to you, like it did me- first-hand, I can understand why it's so hard to believe such things. But my theory about my grandmother initially - that I was just "reimagining" her based on a memory - could not be applied to the abbey in Ireland. I was never there. I never had a memory of that little girl or that woman - I couldn't have recreated something that I never experienced. So it was something about that PLACE - something had to exist there. And maybe we all have the ability to see things in places sometimes - maybe we have to be completely open-minded and put ourselves into some weird state. They always say children see ghosts all the time. I wonder if when we're young, we haven't turned off that part of our brain that lets us into those other worlds - and as we get older, reason takes the best of us and we slowly lose the ability.

I think about this stuff - that's what I do. I still to this day love to talk to people about their supernatural experiences because I love believing in things that I can't always explain. I try all the time to get my mind back into that state and to this day, have failed. I'm hopeful that one day I'll have another experience - maybe even one that disproves my theory - because knowledge of the unknown is just as exciting as thinking you have figured it out.

******************UPDATE****************************
As an update to this post, for those of you that are still skeptics or interested more about my "vision" in Ireland, here is the place. with a slight description of the events that happened there that I was able to "tap" into. Just seeing the one photo gives me shivers still...

In the Moment

So, here's what I was thinking about today for a bit - how do you know how you'll react in a given situation when forced to act without thought. It's kinda like the fight or flight, only it doesn't have to have stress at the root. I started down this thought-train and ended up in all kinds of cool places so I wanted to share what's in my mind.

My example: yesterday I was playing a competitive league touch football game. In the middle of the game at some point, I'm blocking this d-lineman as he's rushing and he jumps in the air to try to block our quarterback's pass. He's up in the air for what - about 2-3 seconds? During that time, I don't have a lot of time to put a string of thoughts together. What I'm faced with, interestingly enough, is a decision. When he's up there do I get my arms into his chest and push him back, where he will clearly flip backwards in the air and land directly on his back and head, or do I back off, keep my hands on him and guide him down and then continue to block him?

I didn't prepare myself for this situation - it's not like I sat around and thought up the scenario and decided what I would do so it was input to my brain at that one moment. I "reacted" to the moment. Subconsciously. He went up, my arms went on him and he went down - on his feet. Something in me made the internal decision not to lay him out. I could have - it would not have been a cheap play - totally within the league rules - guys do it all the time on the field - it's been done to me. But for some reason, I didn't do it.

No killer instinct some might say. I'm not generally an aggressive person - those that know me, if asked what they thought I might do, would most likely describe it as it happened. But, given the choice, I admit, I'm pretty sure I would not choose to willingly do that to someone because the chance of hurting someone isn't worth winning the game to me. But in the moment - in that moment, I didn't know what I would do. And now I do. So does my subconscious always follow my conscious? Was it predetermined somehow that I was going to act that way because if given the choice I would most likely have chosen not to?

So I started thinking about other situations like it. I've only been in a fight once in my life. When I was in middle school - I was walking out of school at the end of the day with my best friend. Two guys that had been picking on him here and there the past week popped out of the bushes and attacked him. A punch was thrown at him from one of the guys. As the second guy took one step, I reacted with a punch in his face. No time to think. It just happened. I was aggressive in the only time I've ever been put to the test. but then again I was in like 7th grade or something.

So I started thinking - what if on that same football field yesterday, one of my teammates was cheap shotted by a guy on their team - say a blind-sided blow to the head as he was walking away from the play. What would I do? Do I know? Can I predict this? Even if I think about it and make up my mind about what I'd LIKE to do - would I actually do it? I think I'd go after the guy - I think I'd get on him and defend my friend. But why? Is it because I'd want my friend to know I have his back? Is it because I'd somehow want to know inside that my friends have my back? Is it because of loyalty or friendship? Would I do it for a stranger?

So then I started thinking - ok, so for those of you that are pretty sure you might not confront violence with retaliated violence in that situation - how about this one. What if you're out with your wife somewhere in a bar or something. Some dude, drunk or otherwise, spills a beer all over your wife - your wife turns and calls him a jerk - and he reaches out and shoves her to the ground. There you are - there he is - there's your wife on the floor. What happens? Would you go after the guy? Would you just yell at him but not react in violence? Would you tend to your wife and avoid the confrontation altogether? Now let's make it complicated - what would your WIFE want you to do? How well do you know your wife? Do you think she'd find safety and security knowing you would stand up to anyone that threatened her - or would she be proud of your non-violence?

So here's where I think I am on this. I used to believe that I had some sort of internal morality code - guidelines I live my life by - that would somehow extend into my subconscious. That I could somehow shape how I might react on the fly by my actions when given the chance to think. But now I've changed my mind. I think it's a completely separate and independent thing that happens when you aren't making a conscious choice. I don't think you can control it.

I think I know how I'd react to those above situations - you might know me and think you know how I'd react as well - but what's crazy is that I've surprised myself throughout my life in situations where I've been "In the Moment". Does every time I react to a situation have an affect on future circumstances? I think I'd like to somehow take control of it - to shape my subconscious for the future, but I honestly don't believe I can do it - or predict what would happen, despite what I've done before.

I'm so fascinated about what I'd do given these crazy scenarios that I think about them all the time - and when one happens, I can't help but wonder why it went down the way it did. Was my reaction based on something from my past or can my brain process the signals and make a decision that fast?

All I know is, I'm still learning about myself. I have a feeling I'll react to those instant moments in many ways that I'll look back on and feel proud - but there may be just as many that I may regret...time will tell.

Political Partisanship

Alright, off we go. I was going to start with a post on Religion because I have a lot to say, but I've had this nagging itch on the back of my neck lately and I just need to scratch it. Besides, might be a bit much to come right out of the gate with all my guns a-blazing, huh?

Okay, so first off, let me set the stage before I tear down the wall. I'm an independent - not a democrat and not a republican. I'm one of a few that can actually say that and mean it. I think most "independents" are in fact frauds. They say they're on the fence because they want to feel that their vote is a deciding vote - like they matter more in the end because they are on the fence - they're the ultra-cool "swing" voter. But in fact, most people who claim independent, in my mind, actually know who they are going to vote for each election. And usually, they are loyal to one side or the other. They say they're not sure, and you ask them why and the crap that flows out of them makes me want to vomit in my own mouth.

So then there's me - an independent. Not only that, I've been completely disenchanted with the entire political party system since I was first given the chance to vote. I really began to lose faith that we were capable of being a country that could elect a president that really had the people's best interests in mind - a gov't for the people, by the people, blah blah. It's been a gov't of and for the corporations. Anyhoo, that's not what I want to talk about. Now you know my history - and that's worth something.

Here's what's been rubbing me - partisanship. You know, maybe you're one of them! These people that somehow feel that being LOYAL to a party, be it Republican or Democrat, is worth something. How can anyone go into a national election and have already made up their mind? And when the other party wins, these people get bitter - resentful - they carry this overwhelming pile of stinking pessimism and cynicism. I frequent sports message boards, and a political thread started up one day (as it often does) - most of the fans on this board, apparently, are die hard republicans. The post was filled with comments like "Don't worry, the economy is in the crapper but HOPE will save us" and "Obama cares more for his Muslim buddies than Americans" and that sort of hoopla.

I just don't get this. People are bitter and throw out ignorant statements of resentment because they feel that somehow they lost? Their party lost? Let me ask you - what does being loyal to a party mean? I think it's a sense of bully-ish pride that makes some people do this. It's fear - they feel comfort in numbers - they stick together and root as a group for THEIR guy or THEIR gal. It's like they're rooting for a sports team or something. Only, you know what - they're really not.

Supporting a political party in our country is UNPATRIOTIC. There I said it. You're doing me, and ever other citizen in this country an EXTREME INJUSTICE.

How can you go into an election and blindly say you will support whomever "your party" offers up? What if they offer up a dunce? You'll vote for 'em - cause you're loyal. Loyal to f*cking me over! You owe me more. I deserve for you to take two steps back, and actually use your brain. Listen to what every candidate has to say - read up on 'em - go online and study their history - what they've done and why. Try to understand what they're bringing to the table, what they support - what their plans are - short and long-term. Make some assessment on how you think each person would lead - think about what's important to you. See how that maps to each candidate and then go out and vote.

It kills me to talk to these Republicans right now that still think Bush was a great president. Seriously?! That just screams "I'm an absolutely idiot!" It means you aren't paying f*cking (not sure if I should swear on this blog yet) attention! You can classify yourself as a fiscal conservative - you can say that abortion is on your sh*tlist - you can say you believe in small government - that you don't believe in the death penalty - that you think national security is more important than social security or health care. It's important that you understand what your own priorities are - but you know what? That doesn't make you a Republican or Democrat. Seriously, does every candidate a party has ever offered match your profile perfectly? So much so, that you would just blindly say you will support whatever clown they offer up? Honestly?!

It's ok for you to say that your own wealth is important (greedy bastards!) or that you want a government to control spending - and you know what? This, in your mind, might classify you as a Republican - but then if so, even YOU have to think Bush was an utter failure! He spent way too much, unwisely - he took a huge surplus and put us in debt well beyond belief in a war that wasn't intelligent. Then when we needed to conserve, he gave money back to the people instead of asking them to save. He is a failure.

For this past election - did you truly research about both McCain and Obama? Did you do what I said above - put in the work to evaluate both candidates openly? Too many people I know did not. They voted with their party, and every time I chatted with them, all I got back was ignorance in their response - they took what they've been fed. They read their partisan news sources or listened to their partisan radio shows and spouted off the blather that they knew - to prove their point - to justify their standing.

Trust me - you're not any stronger because you're part of a political party. No matter what you're think, you're weak. You're lazy - you have no mind of your own - be independent. Stand up and truly make your vote worth something. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to me. You really do. And if the candidate you end up supporting in the end loses, turn the page. Support the one that didn't. Why? Because conceptually don't you want what's best for this country?

If you're a die hard Republican right now, would you rather Obama fail, let us all down so you can feel proud that you were right? That Democrats ARE actually horrible and not fit to lead? And so that the candidate you offer up in 4 years will win? Or do you want to see a President do well for the people.

Say, hypothetically, Obama turns around the economy quite a bit. He puts plans in place to energize the job market - we get moving on initiatives in energy, health care - unemployment drops, the deficit comes down a bit and people are able to afford their houses and their bills - the recession ends. Would you clap your hands, stand up and applaud him and vote for him in 2012? Or would you still retreat back to your slimy little Republican stronghold and come up with excuses why it wasn't his doing and why your guy or your gal would do better?

If he does what's good for this country, and you stand against him, you're standing against this country. That's my take. That's how I judge it - I don't care which party is in office. I'm not loyal to either. If the person in office - this person that's leading us - has a great term and things are positive, I'm happy. I'm really happy - again, it's a government for the people - all the people. And when that leaders screws things up and puts our country in a bad place, they should be criticized and we should look for something better.

But no, I'm really in the minority here - too many people vote with their allegiance. You wanna be loyal - be loyal to your family - be loyal to your friends - heck, be loyal to your favorite baseball or football team. Please stop screwing us over with your blind partisanship. It's such a royal piece of stinking feces. Seriously, every time I talk to you, if you open your mouth and start to blab about your support of your party and you spout off nonsense about how Liberals don't know how to run the economy or don't believe in national defense - or how Republicans don't care about social issues and are all about the military - you know what I'm thinking? Idiot. Idiot. Moron. Dumbass. I can't take you seriously. Not that you really care what I think - I know that. But hey, you came to read my blog, remember?

So there, I'm done with this for now. I get fired up because I care. You should too. And if you really do, you'll become a true independent and vote for what's best for this country from here on out.

Motive and Purpose

I'm the type of person that likes to analyze things - hard things, not just the obvious ones. I have my own interesting set of thoughts and patterns - from how I act, what I love, what I think and why I do the things I do. I CONSTANTLY find myself trying to get stronger - more aware of myself. I pride myself on trying to figure things out - mostly about myself, but much more recently about others. I study people. I study what they do, what they say, how they say it or do it and I ask myself "why?"

It's hard sometimes watching from a distance...evaluating - like I'm some kind of creep peering into someone's private life when they don't want me there. When people know I'm reading them, sometimes they get defensive - others back away - but most of the time I just go about my merry way and get enjoyment out of my hobby in the most subtle of approach.

So, I'm also a strong person. I pride myself on my toughness - both physically and mentally. And with that comes strong opinions. I don't claim to be the smartest person. But in this little pocket I live in, I was thinking that there has to be people out there that might hear my words and get something out of it. I think a lot of people are afraid to challenge the status quo. It's too much work to ponder why they behave a certain way or why they think a certain thing - what makes people tick - if there's something you've been missing out on because you're afraid of what you might find if you look?

This blog is for me to just tell it how I see it - for better or for worse. As I said, I want to break down the fourth wall and talk direct to anyone that is willing to listen - I'm going to talk about the things that are the most important things in the world to me - the deep stuff. This blog won't be about my favorite baseball team or about how much I love my family - those things are a given and that stuff is for another forum. No - this is about guts - it's about challenging myself - challenging you. Talking about the "hard" topics like religion, ethics, morality, values, spirituality, politics, behavior, philosophy - what's right and what's wrong - stereotypes, prejudice, greed, goodness, love and hate.

I just want to lay it out - and if you don't like what I have to say, you have two options - stop reading and go away. Or if you're willing to have a dialog and you're open minded enough to consider an alternative viewpoint, drop me a comment. I will get back to you - like I said, I'm strong in what I believe - but I'm open-minded enough to hear what others have to say. That's how I got where am I in the first place.

Time to break down the 4th wall - if you're willing, come along for the ride...