Getting Ahead

So whether you've done this exercise or not, bare with me and play along. I want you to stop and think about three elements. Performance (P), Image (I) and Exposure (E). For each of these, I want you to think about how much time you spend doing each at your job/at the office. Put down some numbers so they add up to 100%. For instance, you might end up with something like this:

P 60%
I 10%
E 30%

Give this some real thought. Think about specific instances where you've gone out of your way and made a conscious effort to present yourself in a certain manner - or to get an audience with influential folks in the company/executives. Do you think you've achieved success in your career? How much of that success do you think can be attributed to each of the areas in your PIE?

Now that you have that squared away, ask yourself one more question - if a nationwide survey went out to Fortune 500 companies asking key executives what the breakdown would be for the candidates they promote, what do you think that would look like? Well a survey was done. The results: P=10%, I=30%, E=60%. THAT, apparently, is the formula on how to get ahead.

When I first read this, the first thing I thought was "I'm not surprised." You might be saying the same thing right now - you might have even guessed the numbers correctly. But if that's true, and your numbers were not even close to those, then why? Are you really not surprised? Do you really not care?

If your numbers don't match, like most people, why do you choose to devote your time on things that won't help you in your career? Or are you a "purist" - in that you want so badly to believe that performance should be the heaviest weight - that promotions are truly based on merit and effort - that you make that your primary focus?

Should it matter? Does it upset you? I mean, call it out in clear words: you will get further in your career (for most careers) based on how you dress, how you handle yourself, how and when you communicate and position yourself/getting the right opportunity to meet and work with people higher up in the organization. Oh, and if you do a good job and work hard 4 hours of your 40 hour week, that might help too. Alright, so it's not that literal - but the survey does clearly show that you need to pay attention to all that corporate bullsh*t - how you dress, how you talk, accepting that invitation for drinks with the boss, playing golf with the execs.

What shoes or shirt you wear will likely have a greater impact on your ability to rise up the corporate ladder than how well you do your job. That's a fact. Doesn't mean you can't be successful by working your tail off - just shows that at some point, if you don't make a conscious effort to shift your focus from P to I and E, you are likely to hit the ceiling in your quest to find opportunity.

Do we whine about it? Do we try to start a company where this sh*t doesn't matter? So here's my take on this - and I do urge you to comment on the post with your own comments. There's actual merit in this formula. Yeah, do I wish performance counted more? Sure I do. But let's take a closer look at these other elements. Let me "twist" the definition of image and exposure for a moment - perhaps talk about them in a way that you haven't considered.

Image (I) includes being careful of how people perceive you - by knowing your audience when you talk - by listening and giving others a chance to be heard - by being respectful - by creating a view of yourself in others that you'd be proud of - to create a reputation where people want to work with you - so that they have only good things to say about you - to their peers, to your peers and to others higher up in an organization. It's not just about how you look, what clothes you wear or how you do your hair.

Exposure (E) is making the most out of opportunities with those that have the influence in the organization. If you want to have more impact and carry greater influence, you need to let those that are already doing it get to know you better - and build confidence in you. It's about being able to get the most important information to the most important people - and getting the key point out in a heartbeat. It's not about the quantity of the exposure, perhaps - but the quality. You get in the elevator with the CEO - you have 1 minute to make conversation. Do you stand quietly in the corner, nervous and simply say hi if at all? Or if he/she asks you a question, are you prepared? You should want to knock him/her right out of her socks - leave the best possible impression.

I guess my stance is this - you can be a "hater" and spin these terms and those numbers so it makes you seem like a victim because you "refuse to play the game." Or you can think about the elements in new way - one which might not compromise your true value or purist viewpoint. Is it possible that image and exposure should be more important? Turn the PIE into something positive - realize that people will have an opinion of you based on how you present yourself - through a composite collection of your actions and words - your interactions with them - your "image". You have to manage this - and you have to reach out and extend what you can influence to higher parts of the organization - to make the most of every opportunity. Become someone that others trust and look to to lead, and you will show those with the ability to promote you that you're worthy.

In summary, I'm curious as to where people stand with their own PIE charts, and if they are different from the survey numbers. Do you care if they are different? I'm curious as to whether you might change the way you go about your job because of this post. Unsure? Worst case, shine your shoes...can't hurt either way.

Random Thoughts

Crazy when I looked back and saw that my last blog post was all the way back in March. When I think about all the stuff that has happened in my life - all the change that has taken place (uprooting my family, switching jobs, etc.) - and the many things I've contemplated - it's enough to fill a thousand pages.

So for this post, I just need to get back into the swing. I'm going to just post a whole bunch of thoughts just to get the blood flowing and I promise to make my blogging a more consistent event - and less random in the future.

But for now...Random Thoughts:

I really miss blogging. When I started doing this, I questioned my motivation a bit. I wondered what part of my ego needed a forum for expression. I wondered who would be interested in what I had to say - and even more so, who would want to contribute to conversations I started? I was reluctant because it seemed a bit self-indulgent. But now that I've deprived myself of this for so long, I realize, I not only miss it - I need it. It probably is very selfish. Not sure about other people, but for me, it's vital for me to feed my brain - to discuss topics that shatter my perception of things - that make me think beyond what I know or understand - to challenge me and give me an outlet to express myself and hear what others have to say.

I feel even more addicted to great conversation. I've started this thing with my team at work where we go to lunch every week and each time one person gets to choose a topic to discuss over grub. It can be anything - truly, anything. And it's one of the best moments of the week for me- we've started to hit all kinds of crazy stuff and I love it. I've been pondering many things that I'm sure will end up on this blog in the future.

The same applies to movies and books - I want to read more and more about things that blow up my current thinking. I just dropped a whole bunch of books on my wish list about life after death, spirituality - that sort of thing. I've also been listening to a great book on CD called New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I think I'm more Buddhist than I ever could have imagined. I will write a separate post on this because this moved me enough that it's worth discussing in a group - especially about how you define yourself.

How do you define yourself? What is your identity - if you strip away your ego and the many roles you play all day - and get to your true sub-conscience, what would you find?

I asked someone recently, "do you think that if you had to describe to someone how you feel - how you really feel deep inside of you - that you could do it using your words, body and expressions? How much of what you really feel do you think you could relay? What's the confidence that the other person REALLY knows how you feel when you're done?" I answered matter-of-factly 0% all the time. Our words and expressions are much too limited to truly describe a "feeling" that I have in my opinion. I feel so restricted by the use of language, by my hands, my expressions, my tears, laughter or smile - there's so much more to what I'm feeling - based on a history of experiences, emotions and thoughts.

When you buy a new house or get ready to sell one - people often make "the list" - you know, the list of all the crap that needs to get done - room by room - including painting, cleaning, and other to-dos - in order to feel that the house is perfect. Over time, homeowners chip away at the list as they find time or money and slowly make the house better. Do you have "a list" for yourself? I do - I always have and I always evaluate it and refactor it. I thought everyone had such a list - one that has the list of things they want to improve on - from physical things (lose weight) to emotional or mental things (listen more, learn how to get past things that haunt you, etc.) I wonder if I'm in the minority here...I think I am.

Football is truly the best sport on the planet. 11 guys have to do exactly the right thing, all at the same time, against another 11 guys for a play to be successful. It's as much about the game planning, the film watching and the joint execution as anything else. So many other sports, one phenomenal athlete can bring a team victory - but in football, it takes much more. It's a chess game on every play, over and over - I love surrounding myself with people that can appreciate this. People that dismiss the sport out of pocket are just ignorant.

I am always looking to listen to new music. At least a few times a week I dig around for some new stuff to listen to. But so little satisfies me. Also can't help but notice that when I'm stuck at work and have to put something on that can repeat for hours at a time, it's always the same few artists I come back to - some artists just have that "infinite repeat" quality I guess...?

I LOVE great food - I've become even pickier with my food than ever. I just have developed an amazing taste for the best stuff - I'm obsessed with it. One of the great luxuries about living with your in-laws is the ability to get out on Friday nights when the kids are asleep. My wife and I have made it a habit of trying new food - and we do our research. We've stepped it up a notch big time - trying all kinds of new cuisines and restaurants - highly rated, small places - great atmosphere, individually prepared - great flavors. This alone is why I will never move too far from where I am now - I just can't stomach Pizza Hut or chain food anymore.

I need to write music again. I miss it. I wonder if all these months on hiatus mean all the great ideas are harboring in there and they will all come out in a burst of creative explosion when I sit down, pick up the guitar and give it a go? Seriously, I need to play, write and sing. I also want to buy a real piano when I get my house - a baby grand for sure if I could afford it and had room.

I have a dream one day of being in an acapella band one day - I've always wondered if I could hold my own. Not barber shop - maybe a choir would do it - but not through the church. Something though where I get to sing as part of a group. I love team activities.

I want to ref football when my body gives out and I can't play anymore. I'd even love to go and get training and become a high school or college football ref.

I want to get a dog so badly. I feel a strong connection to dogs- like other people just don't get them - but I do. Not true - just I feel that way sometimes. I feel like there's a dog somewhere out there that needs me. I love when a dog hops up on the couch or the bed next to you and falls asleep right next to you.

Alright, I'm done for now. Lots of other stuff to come. Back to more targeted topics going forward....

Trapped In Our Genetic Code?

I have a question that I ask myself quite often and I really haven't come to a conclusion on the answer yet. It's on the nature of awareness and perception. What makes one person have the "ability" to see things clearly - to put their life in perspective - evaluate the events of their past, the relationships they have and how that affects the current and future - and another person not? Are we born with it or can we "evolve" into the type of person that can do this?

In my case, I just kind of went through the early part of my life taking things as they came - mostly accepting them - not trying to think too hard. I would describe this feeling as "clouded" - I only say that because at around 17, I had the first of what I like to call "my enlightenment." I found some perspective. I questioned things in my life - questioned why I had to be the type of person I was made out to be - what society thought of me - I questioned what I believed - from my religion, to my ethics, my morals, my values. I thought long and hard - deep thoughts - I had moments of philosophical and psychological bliss - and also pain. I thought about all the relationships I had with friends, family - about my childhood and my young adulthood. Although much of it was hard - I found the root for many of my own problems and failures in relationships and discovered cause for why I had become the person I was at that point in my life - it also gave me great insight, confidence and freedom. I felt like I could take my life to different places from that point onward. I even wrote a book about some of it - which I still keep to this day.

I've gone through my life since that point always questioning - always trying to understand myself better. I have had other very important moments of enlightenment on my journey - one just in the past year that I am still passionately pursuing. But now, in yet another moment of reflection, I've asked myself the question I raised above. How come I was able to take the path and I can see things - is it will? Was I born with this and it just took time for me to grow to figure out how to unlock it? Does everyone have the ability to break down their own walls (as horrifying as it may be) and see things with clarity? Is there such a thing as a permanent mental block for people so that they just may never, no matter how much counseling or changes they have in their life, be able to do it?

I ask the questions because there probably isn't a day that goes by where I think of someone or talk to someone that acts or speaks in a way that makes me believe they don't have the perception of things in their life. Take an example - I might see a friend that constantly needs approval from her parents - she might go out of her way to make sure she is accepted - including putting herself and them through quite a lot of pain and annoyance. Is there never a point in her life where she just stops and thinks about her relationship with her parents - finds perspective - and sees that she does this. Maybe she tries to look into her past and figure out why. Does she know but represses it so deeply that it's no longer something she can use to change her actions? And if so, if she got counseling, could someone help her to find it, be aware of it and help her find the awareness or is it something that her genetic code might just prevent her from doing?

My initial thoughts on this topic was to believe that everyone has it in them to do it. That the blocks are put up as defenses and crutches by our mind as our ego protects itself and strengthens itself through patterns and needs. I believed that if anyone looked hard enough with enough clarity, they could see it all - they could come to terms with why they do the things they do based on their past, their relationships with their parents, what they've been told, maybe understand traumatic events in their life and at least acknowledge them. Moving past them would be another more difficult step - perhaps that would require more help from others. But now, as I sit here, I start to wonder about all this again - and it just seems so hard for me to see how people could not see some of this in their own lives - the huge blatant things that affect them and that they would regret if they could see with clarity. The giant boulders - not the little rocks. Some people (many I know), just walk through their life with no indication that they have this perception and awareness of themselves, their life and others.

It's shocking to me. And perhaps it's because once you get to this side of the fence, you become a little insensitive and take it for granted. Perhaps I have trivialized this process - I have lost understanding for how hard it is for someone to do this. I'm trying to dig a little deeper into myself to figure that out as well - I know that not everyone's past is the same or things that influence them - so I know the "enlightenment" process will be very different for each and every one of us.

But everyday that I talk to someone with this veil of non-awareness, I have to wonder why, at this stage of their life, they have never gotten to the point of questioning or trying to understand themselves better. It could be that maybe they have found it - and it's just my failure to perceive them that's wrong - so I'm continuing to work through this and wanted to take you along with me. Share your thoughts if you have any - thanks.

Atheism: Reflection

So, I wrote the post on where I stand religiously. I opened the door - knowingly - and my life has changed. I have to say - I was really happy to have so many people reach out to me to comment about what I had to say - either through a blog comment, Facebook comment, or email (I received a ton) - but I was taken aback a little by how many negative comments I did receive. All in all, I have regret now - and that's hard for me to deal with. Because I'd like to live in a world where I can say what I feel - what I think - and even if you completely disagree with it - I can be respected and given a chance to discuss any topic openly. Most people were clear that they would see me differently but were respectful of where I stand on religion - others, not so much.

In reading back what I wrote, and evident by the comments I received, I struck a few very sour notes - the "weak" statement and the statement about "everyone being an Atheist" really hit home for most people. I understand that someone's religion is about as close to a person as anything - it's like family. No one comes out and says something mean about someone's kid or anything - so I get that it was taken to heart. Again, in looking back, my tone was angrier and more negative than I would have liked - and I have decided to put this additional post out there to address some of the things I've received and to provide a little more insight into how I feel. It is important for me to continue this conversation and not let it end where it stands now.

It became clear to me that people perceived my view as a righteous one - and that is absolutely not how I feel. I have complete respect for people of faith - I actually believe in my heart that people who do believe and do pray live a better life than me. They have something that guides them - they have more hope and strength - in times of sorrow, pain and in times of happiness as well. I think people get more out of life who feel connected to a religion - especially if it involves a community or service. I wish I had more faith - I really do.

But I don't. I do have a lot of spirituality - I believe in the soul and that when we die, our soul does not die. I believe that there are many forces that control our lives and influence decisions we make or are capable of making - I believe in supernatural events and I believe that we will never be able to explain everything that happens between us or why things happen. However, I don't believe in a theistic God - where man was made in his image. I don't believe in organized religion based on the bible or other religious literature. I don't believe that there's a force/man/person/thing somewhere that created man, listens to our prayers, and makes decisions on our behalf - in the past, now or ever.

I understand why people believe. In addition to the many benefits religion provides, there is a basic human need for it. I don't think we, as the human race, could ever live without it - nor will we. From the beginning of time - humans have believed in a God or many Gods. I don't think that will ever change nor am I pushing for that change or think we'd be better off for it. In fact, I think religion is expanding even more - beyond the walls of an organized "church". People are taking what they want from their religion and leaving behind a little more of what the masses are doing. That is a great thing to me because it becomes more likely for people to get more from their faith and practice than just going through the motions (unfortunately, as many do).

I know many people that hold their religous beliefs extremely close to their heart. Religion guides their lives - I know for many of these people, no matter what I write on being atheist, they will not understand me deep down - they will feel that I have no right to attack their belief system or place judgement. Again, I want to be absolutely clear here - I'm not judging. If it came across that way, I deeply apologize. I don't think you're wrong for believing and as I've said many times, I don't think I'm better off.

However, at the same time, what I stated in my blog is what I truly believe. I did not write it for shock value though I can see how it would be perceived that way. I admit that I may be wrong and may change my mind one day (I never, ever claimed to be absolutely certain and unwavering in my beliefs or opinions on almost anything - we all evolve over time - I'm still doing so) - and I accept others for disagreeing. I really do believe, though, that if a person stopped their current line of thought - spent time (months, years even) breaking down the walls that have been put up - either by society, the community, family or themselves - and looked at the facts - stacked up each religion against each other, the assumptions and statements made in scriptures - the enormous list of contradictions between faiths and intra-faith - tried to evaluate and understand what the "church" tells you - looked at the hypocrisies (Again, I have no intent to bash a specific religion - but one quick example would be the Christian church - for telling you thou shalt not kill or judge - but Christians went out and killed many, many people mercilessly: a quick reference http://www.markhumphrys.com/christianity.killings.html), the abuse of power - the corruption - I think if any person found a true independent perspective, that they would see things differently. I think the argument against religion becomes much clearer - to me, overwhelmingly so - but that's why I am where I am now. I've taken this journey there. I called people weak for not taking the journey because I think many people are scared to do it - it's not easy - it's draining, painful, and in the end - you will put yourself to the test. You will challenge what's at your core - and if you end up where I did, you won't be any better off for it. So why do it? I ask myself that question all the time. Like I said, I often wish I hadn't.

I think if you can look me in the eye and say you've taken the journey and still believe what you believe - that you stand where you stood before you did this - than I applaud you and I'm happy for you. As I've said, at that point, I still have a very difficult time seeing things the way you see them - I would agree to disagree with you. If you have no interest in taking the journey, it's your right - it's not my place to tell you to do it. In my mind, most people have not taken this journey nor will they ever do it. Again, it's human nature.

There's nothing wrong with people being in a different place than me - I welcome it and I've thoroughly enjoyed some of the great conversations I've had with people of faith - in the past, and especially now that I've opened the door. I enjoy reading about different religions - I'm fascinated in what people believe and why and I constantly try to learn more about the topic. This will continue to be an interest of mine throughout my lifetime - and my view of things may be drastically different over time than it is now as I continue to learn and explore my faith and others'.

My intent in my original post - and hopefully clearer now - is that I wanted to share my religious views - my take on the world. I think I'm not alone in what I think and feel - I'm not afraid to be different - and like other topics on this blog, I wanted to get deep into things that matter. I WANT to discuss religion - we all should have the right to say how we feel, what's important to us, what we believe, and share the dialog with others. If your religion is very private to you, I respect that as well. Don't participate - it's completely optional. Remember, it is MY blog - I'm not going around knocking on doors and making you read it. I would LOVE for you to contribute to the conversation, as many of you have - either through comment, email or chat in person.

Our society is so tight - we all hold so many things too close - there's too many taboo topics. Religion has clearly been on the top of many lists forever - it's probably at the very top of my families' list - along with politics. It makes me sad that when the conversation starts on it, that people are judged - that people are perceived differently because there's a lot of intolerance out there. Too many people cast off others for not seeing things the way that they see it. THAT is judgmental. I judge no one other than myself. It's not my right or my intent. But now, as I've opened the door, I've been judged and will continue to be judged by others. I can't control their thoughts or their ability to deal with how I feel about something that is so sensitive and close to them.

I realize these posts have opened the door to a place that I hesitated going for years. As I stated at the beginning of this post, I regret doing it at this point. As I said, I will be seen differently from now on - it makes me sad but it is true. And I only hope that the people that care and respect me can try their best to understand what I believe, why I believe it, and what my intentions were in sharing it. The ball is in your court now, not mine...

To everyone - thank you.

Atheism: The Truth

Alright, consider the can officially opened. While this is my first post on this topic, it certainly won't be my last. Read on if you can take it.

I believe that every person on this planet is an Atheist, they just don't know it yet. To me, it's just a matter of when (and if, for some) they are willing to free their mind enough to let it happen. I think it makes sense why religion exists in this world - why so many different versions have been created. Religion was invented to meet very important needs for humanity (as well as for power). Most importantly, religion/faith helps us deal with the unknown and our fear of death and what comes afterward. It's so much easier to have something to believe in - to not feel so alone. The thought of spending time on this earth, living 74 1/2 years and then never existing again, never getting a chance to see our parents, our loved ones ever again is not something that anyone would get in line to sign up for. We're not built to handle this psychologically or emotionally.

There's an enormous group of people out there that are really "loyal believers." They will look me in the face and tell me that their faith is undying and they have no doubt - that I'm crazy or going to hell for my non-belief. And there's probably equally as large of a group that want to believe that way but they are more likely just going through the motions - these people have doubt. They were brought up with faith - they went to church - maybe they still do from time to time - but it's like they go to fulfill their obligation so they can feel like they are doing the right thing. They can check it off the list - "we went to mass this morning" so I'm a good Catholic - I'm still on track to go to heaven when I die. I ask you, is this you? Truthfully, can you answer the question or does it fill you with guilt?

What would happen if you stepped back from what you've been told, what you've read in the bible or otherwise, and question it? I think that if any person, smart, dumb, loyal or not, regardless of what religion he/she practices, spent even a few moments putting it all in perspective, there would be so many holes, so many things that are implausible, so many unanswered questions, that it just wouldn't make sense to believe. Let me also just say that there is a distinct different between spirituality and religion - I will cover this in another post some time.

We are in a different Era of belief right now - thousands of years ago, the Egyptians believed in their gods, and the Greeks, the Romans - many of those people devoted years of their life worshiping, building temples, sacrificing and dying in the name of religion. Just like now people do it for Christ or God or Allah. If you're a Christian now, do you believe that all those Greeks, Romans and Egyptians just went to hell? Where are they? Jesus wasn't here yet, so were they just not given a chance to go to heaven? Do you even think about this or just dismiss it and focus on giving up something for lent?

I understand why people practice religion or believe - it's because they are weak - they use religion in their life to meet some need that they can't get from relationships with people, actions they take or what this world has to offer. Or they are afraid - afraid to take on the thoughts it requires to find perspective. I think it's an evolution of mind - challenging what you've been told, what you've been fed, what others "say" is right - to free your mind from it all and come to terms with it.

It's not easy to be an Atheist - you are in an extreme minority - you will find discrimination around every corner. People will look at you with disgust and anger - plus, you are the one that has to live your life with the burden that all you have is life. I've found myself on a plane about to take off and I've thought to myself "Please God let this trip be safe" - only to realize that there is no magic man in the clouds watching over me and my flight. I'm at the mercy of the pilot, the weather and the plane. It's scary and provides no comfort. Something good happens and I find myself saying "Thank God." though I'm not really thanking anyone or anything. The more that happens, the more I realize that religion is normal. Like I said, people believe because we're built that way. It's too much work, too scary to take it all on without the comfort that we're being watched over, that there's more to life than our time on earth. It's much easier to believe than not to.

In regards to comfort - are you comforting yourself through your religion or others? When you pray for me, I don't hear the prayers - I don't believe in God - so those prayers aren't getting to me or helping me at all - they're helping you. You're praying for yourself - which in one way could be seen as kind of selfish. I don't mind - if it makes you feel better to do that, ok. Just seems that you could do more for me by talking to me, lending me a hand - bake me a cake even...at least I wouldn't grow hungry. A prayer is not helping me, despite what you believe. Which is a topic in and of itself: does your motivation for good actually translate to others if they don't believe what you believe? (for another post...)

Seriously, tell me - what good comes from religion at all? I've asked myself this question many times over my transition to atheism. It's been a hard question for me to answer, especially if you consider all the deaths in the name of religion - the crusades, the wars, the persecution, the bias, the bigotry, the molestation - every single religion has its scars. EVERY ONE.

I used to think of the people in the church, the work done for charity, the graciousness, the acts of kindness - but you know, those are more a product of the community than of the religion itself. How is that different from a community organization like the Red Cross or the Peace Corps? You don't need God for people to come together and reach out a hand to rebuild a house, donate food or volunteer in a soup kitchen. I'd like to think as a society, as humans, we're better than that - we can offer a hand to a neighbor in need, give our time to help others and lead a life of good influence without feeling like we're pleasing God or gaining credit for it towards a life in heaven. What does your faith/religion get you?

As I've said, I suppose religion has a purpose - when someone you love dies, if you cling to your "faith" it will make it easier for you to cope. You will sleep easier believing that that person is in a "better place" - that it's ok to lose someone because God will take care of them. But you're just fooling yourself - is ignorance truly bliss? Would you rather live your life believing what you've read and been fed - believing in mythical stories, making decisions based on rules and recommendations from the church - and die without having to bear the burden of atheism if it provides simplicity to your life? ignorant comfort? Or would coming to terms with all of this put your life in a much better perspective?

Do I live my life differently now that I'm an atheist? Sure I do. True, as I said, it's much harder in a lot of ways - funerals have been really interesting - it's been really hard to deal with the reality of death - to think that at any moment your life can be taken from you and then it's all gone. But at the same time, I've realized that all I have is what I have here on earth - with my family and my friends. It's become even more important for me to leave behind a legacy of good - to make a positive difference in this world - to strengthen the relationships I have with my family and friends, because when others can rely on God in their darkest hours, I only have them.

I used to think it was a curse to be an atheist, but now I know I am better off for it. As I said earlier, I think more and more people will start to question things - to wonder and ponder - to try to find perspective - and when they do, they will end up where I am - maybe reluctantly so - but once you do, there's no going back.

Those that don't, haven't tried or are afraid to. If you read this and think I'm wrong - that I don't "understand your faith" or your relationship with God - that I'm somehow misguided or need help - that's fine - you, like me, are entitled to what you think and believe. Continue on your own path - one that I believe you're afraid to challenge. Ask yourself why you believe - if you stumble for an answer, you haven't given it enough thought. You're a non-believer, you just don't know it yet. You can have spirituality, find peace within, keep core values - live a life of goodness, of sacrifice - be a really good person - and be a non-believer. Remember, there is a distinct difference between serving God and serving your fellow man.

I'm not trying to convert anyone - just like I hate it when people preach to me. Then again, it is MY blog and you came here to hear me, not the other way around. We each have our own road to walk on - some of us just will actually get somewhere when we get to the end.

UPDATE/COMMENT (March 2nd):
I certainly don't mean to come across as self-righteous, though in reading back my post, it certainly could be seen that way. Let me be clear then - I don't believe I'm any better off in any way for my non-belief. In fact, as I stated in the post, I wonder if I had more faith - whether it truly is ignorance or not - I would live a much richer life.

As I said, I think there's certainly a place for religion - especially personal faith and spirituality. I have less of a time seeing the benefit in organized, structured religion (like with how I was raised in the Catholic church).

Much good comes from those that do believe - acts are still done in the name of God or religion - and I suppose that counts. If someone's faith helps them to do good things, to be strong for others in time of peril, than it's providing benefit. I've witnessed it first hand by admiring the way a woman cared for a dying grandmother until the day she died. Her faith kept her strong to be able to do such a selfless job.

My intent was not to bash religion entirely - in fact as I said above, I see more merit in individualized belief than in organized, structure practice - but I can see how it came across that way.

Lastly, I don't claim to know everything. I don't mean to be critical of those that believe - I just truly think they are afraid to consider the alternative. And I believe that if they really did - if they took the time to question everything, not just take someone's word for it, that they would see it more like I see it.

I'm still learning thru my evolution. I might think I have it all worked out but I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong. I know that everything is not just black or white. It's not like all or nothing. We don't fit into a predefined mold. I don't believe in God - I don't believe that Jesus was divine or that he died and came back to life. But I also don't believe that when we die, our souls die either. I think there's more to it than what we can see, feel, smell, touch and hear. I'm still trying to figure it out. Thanks for taking the journey with me so far...

Date of Your Death

Here's the question: would you like to know the precise date of your death? Death is one of only a few absolute certainties in life - yet it's probably the one thing that is feared the most. Sure enough, your answer to this question would change everything - your life wouldn't be the same.

If you had the chance to know, even if you turned it down, would you think about it from time to time? Would you regret and ponder your choice down the road, especially as you got older? If you said yes, it would have the biggest impact. Many of your life's actions and plans would take a drastically different route - based on the THE date.

If you did know, you'd be able to plan ahead - you could make sure you left no loose ends. You could actually make your will and have it be up to date. You could arrange your own funeral and burial plans. You'd worry less about what you ate, what you shouldn't or couldn't do - you'd put off less - you might try sky diving, scuba diving, mountain climbing - why not? You could get the most of your life before you knew it was "your time."

You could make sure you wrote down all the stories you wanted to leave behind. You could make sure you traveled and saw the world. You could spend all the money you have saved up and budget it until the very last day. You could say goodbye to each and every family member or person that was close to you.

Clearly, this is the easy choice, right? Only if you say yes, could you handle it? Say you found out today, would you tell anyone? Would you wait to tell your family and friends - and if so, how long? Imagine how hard it would be to keep this sort of information to yourself.

I think that knowing your "date" would put an unbelievable responsibility on yourself. You'd be armed with information that I think could easily destroy you. This choice would change you - perhaps fundamentally at the core. Would you become a different person - someone you wouldn't want to be? What if you used the info for evil? You could borrow a ton of money right before you died, max out all your credit and live it up. You could take out an enormous insurance policy the day before and leave a fortune to your family. You could live without certain consequences because you would know when it would all end for you.

The hard part is, I think that many people may not know if they could handle it or not. You'd have to be pretty damn self-aware and strong. Once you say yes, you have the chains around your neck - you can't go back - there would be no forgetting the date. I think this fear is why most people answer no to the question.

For me, I think I could handle it. I would want to know. I'd keep the date close - closer than anything. I would choose not to share it with anyone or reveal that I knew - probably right up until the day I said my goodbyes. I know it would tear at me, it would give me many sleepless nights, especially as it got closer. It might torment me and push me to the very edge of my mental and emotional sanity. But I believe the rewards would be worth it.

I'm more afraid of not getting a chance to say goodbye - to not get a chance to make sure I leave my mark on this world than I am about death. Again, death is inevitable. This would help me to find a greater courage in my life - I think I would live my life with little or no regret - even more than I do now. Besides, I'm a very good planner, so my life would be one great big calendar and I'd make sure I made time for everything I want to do. Besides, I could put off updating my will...

Is the fear of knowing more powerful than the fear of death itself? What would you do if given the choice - I'd love to know...

Art Gallery of You

Who are you ? Are you who you paint yourself to be or how others would interpret you? This one is really interesting for me. I think we'd all agree that each of us wants to find happiness - to get to a place where we are content and satisfied with our life.

I work to put myself in a place where I like who I am - to where I am happy more than not - where I believe in the actions that I take and the words that I speak and the way I carry my life. Your own happiness matters first and foremost right? Well for most people that's true. For some, that could be seen as selfish. Then there's a host of people that give up their own happiness to make others happy - you know these types - charity workers, ministers, volunteers, a child taking care of an elderly or sick parent - you probably play that role here and there every day as well. We call them self-less and we praise them for their ability to sacrifice on another's behalf. We GAIN happiness through sacrifice sometimes - sometimes not. But many of us are inclined to do it from time to time.

I hold values that I think are really good and strong - some I was taught - others I've learned thru experience. But here's the interesting thing. What inevitably is more important - the way I view myself or the way others view me? Be careful before you rush to answer. When I've asked people this question and given them no time to think, they almost always blurt out "who cares what others think - it only matters if you're happy." That's the easy answer - it's the answer from someone that wants to feel strong and empowered - someone that thinks they are immune to conformity and societal pressure - someone that is resistant to being type-casted - someone that can break and rebuild connections and ties easily with others. Now truthfully, who is that?

If Charles Manson thought of himself as a really good person - if Hitler thought that all his actions were done for good and he was proud of himself and thought he had found his ideal state of being, does that matter? Do we look back on the harm that was done and say, "well, at least he was happy." Like it or not, we are judged by everyone that knows us - everyone that surrounds us. Many of these people are just passer-byers in our lives - they get just a glimpse of each of us - based on a very limited set of words or actions - and they take that impression of us with them wherever they go. They put it in their mental pocket - and the next time they see us - if they do - they can pull it out and have an entire impression of us (as incorrect as it might be).

It's a straining thought for me - but I can't help but wonder if it's almost MORE important how we are perceived from everyone around us then how we perceive ourselves. If you think you're an angel and live your life according to your own personal creed - one that you've created and you swear by - and at the end of your life, on your deathbed, you feel happiness as you die - but then, the people that know you and love you - family, friends, co-workers, etc. - these people think you're a horrible person - which one really matters more? You're long gone - you're dead. You're sense of internal happiness goes with you. It doesn't linger in others - it's personal. Doesn't matter if you were really proud of yourself. Now all these people, more lives than your own, have an opinion of you - you've left a legacy behind. If it's a negative one, does your own personal happiness matter at that point? Perhaps how you're interpreted carries a much more long lasting impact than how you see yourself?

Another example: say there's someone that is tortured inside - they truly don't have happiness, for whatever the reason. But they don't show it - they keep it bottled up inside, and instead they are warm and caring. They are non-confrontational with others - they always reach out their hand to help. They go out of their way to be a better citizen to the community, a better friend to those that they love and a better family member to spite their own personal interests. And they die with incredible sadness in their heart and issues unresolved. They are gone. Their pain is gone too.

They will not be remembered for what they were inside - they've painted a picture of themselves in a light where their legacy will last longer and give others much more happiness in the long run. A martyr? Perhaps...is it worth it for such sacrifice to your own being? Giving up yourself - part of yourself - to ensure a long lasting reputation while you're on the earth and long gone? I don't know - ask yourself what's more important to you.

Maybe you'd respond "Be a good person and others will see you as a good person as well". That's also not true. Perhaps what you think is good is not what others think is good. If we were all able to agree on a universal moral code, people wouldn't treat each other like crap all the time. We wouldn't get stabbed in the back and someone wouldn't squash you for their own self advancement. For every person giving up their happiness for another, there is probably at least one more looking out only for themselves at another's expense.

You might also respond that it's a balance - do a little of both - all things in moderation. That's probably what we all try to do - we all try to find happiness most of the time and try to generate a reputation where we are perceived as we would perceive ourselves. But if given a chance to make a decision - maybe a vital one in our lives - where we had to choose "for me" vs. "for my reputation" - which would you choose? And if you chose for yourself, would you look back and consider it selfish? Do you care? I think even if you trick yourself into thinking it doesn't matter - that you don't care - that it does matter. Because it might shape someone's else's perception of you - your choice, especially in the most vital of situations helps paint someone else's picture of you - one that they are working on during a lifetime of knowing you.

We carry a brush to paint our own story - but others have brushes too - and what they paint is based heavily on what paint you decide to give them. Give them only black, and your picture will be very dark.

When you're long gone, and the only thing left is a bunch of these paintings of you, will it matter how you're remembered? I think my legacy is extremely vital to me. I think about it all the time. I choose sacrifice over selfishness more times than not. I do for my wife - I do for my children - I do for my friends - I do for my family - I do it because I love them and care for them - but I also do it because I'm painting their pictures of me. And how I'm seen in their eyes matters more right now that I how I see myself. I just don't want to be someone where people say "he was happy and that's all that mattered." I want to have an impact on this world - on those that know me - for good. I want to be remembered for the impressions I've made.

Now I just have to figure out how to do that when everyone's interpretation of me can be different. It's hard work and I'm still working on that one...